Repairing the rupture
I have to acknowledge that Mark was not the sole responsible for the
strains in our relationship (Muran et al., 2021), I played a role as
well. I have just disclosed an aspect of my personal life that was not
necessary. Moreover, I could have seen his reaction of envy and contempt
coming in discovering I was about to go for a vacation he never had. In
that moment, however, my need to be appreciated by others, a mechanism
that I know is my shield against humiliation, took control. After having
acknowledged my contribution to the relationship rift, I took this
moment as a chance to explore Mark’s inner world first, and then try to
repair the rupture.
T: “Mark, how do you feel while you tell me these things? Maybe
I’m wrong, and tell me, gently, if that’s the case but I think that a
moment ago, when I told you that I was going to Greece, something
happened ”.
M: “For a moment I thought that you too are going on vacation and
I still don’t know what the hell to do in my life ”.
T: “I understand, so it’s possible that discovering I was about
to enjoy vacations… made you feel some emotion, negative ones I
mean… and then you feel the need to making fun of me? ”
M: “Yes, probably… indeed, I envied you! ”
T: “Ok Mark, now it’s clear to me … in your eyes I am another
person who does things that you would yearn to do but you can’t… ”
M: “Exactly. Same old story ”.
T: “I’m sorry, Mark. I didn’t want to make you feel this way. But
this may be a signal that you really would like to do something nice in
your life, right? ”.
M: “Maybe…but I can’t ”.
It is clearer now that Mark’s contempt is a mean to shield himself
against powerlessness and inferiority. According to MIT we would define
that reaction as schema-driven. Once we cleared the air in our
relationship and we realized that Mark was driven by envy, there is more
room for further reflection.
T: “What do you mean, Mark? ”.
M: “I really have no idea what I’d like to do ”.